Welcome! Thanks for visiting my little spot for sharing (some of) my writing with the world. Please enjoy and comment!

Thursday, April 5, 2018

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness*

I've been in a very melancholy place as changes to my husband's career and our way of life have loomed over us. I choose the word "loomed" because these changes truly make me feel small and remind me that I'm not in control.

We often hear that recognizing the limits of our control is a healthy thing, but then I feel like we, as a society, celebrate control: we promote controlling leaders, we admire those who give the impression of having everything under control, we applaud those who take control of their destinies, we're ever in search of ways to be in control of our own lives.

While we may recognize on some level that we don't have control, we sure do pursue it like it's the holy grail of life.

But I live in a perpetual state of feeling like control is just out of my grasp.

As someone who lives with an autoimmune disease, I wake up every day not knowing how my body will behave. Will I have the energy I need to get things done? Will I start out with a burst, but hit a fatigue wall in the middle of an important activity? Will I be able to exercise today? Will my workout today cause me a lot of pain tomorrow? Will pain take away the pleasure of being, doing, or being in relationship today? Will it cause me to be short-tempered, impatient, or grumpy toward those around me? Should I even bother trying today?

Living in a body I can't control makes me keenly aware of how little control I have over the world around me. And changes to the things that provide stability in my life, like finances, health care, trusted institutions, or relationships, are very difficult for me to endure patiently. I just want everything to be okay.

I guess I'm no different than anybody else in that. Whether we try to feel in control by dreaming big, making lists and completing tasks, keeping everything clean and organized, trying to look good and make people like us, avoiding conflict or pain, being aggressive, or getting lost in our own fantasy worlds, we all just want everything to be okay. 

But it's not. And we all know it.

Now, here's the part where I'm supposed to talk about how God is perfect and Jesus came to make all things new-- and I believe that-- but Jesus also tells us that as long as we're in this world, we will have troubles.

Most of Jesus' apostles died martyrs. The early church was persecuted. Paul wrote extensively about the suffering and hardship that were constantly a part of his ministry. And David filled his Psalms with lament.

The most personally meaningful reading I did during Easter week was in Luke chapter 22, where Jesus, knowing he is about to suffer and die, goes with his disciples to the garden to pray:

"He went out and made his way as usual to the Mount of Olives, and the disciples followed him. When he reached the place, he told them, 'Pray that you may not fall into temptation.' Then he withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, knelt down, and began to pray, 'Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me—nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.'
Then an angel from heaven appeared to him, strengthening him. Being in anguish, he prayed more fervently, and his sweat became like drops of blood falling to the ground. When he got up from prayer and came to the disciples, he found them sleeping, exhausted from their grief."

I have always heard this story referred to as an example of how Jesus' disciples let him down in his last hours of life by falling asleep on the job, lazily leaving him alone to pray for himself. But according to Luke's account, the disciples fell asleep because they were exhausted from their grief. They didn't know Jesus was about to be crucified. But they knew something bad was about to happen to him, and seeing their beloved leader in anguish was more than they could handle. Meanwhile, Jesus is sweating his destiny and begging God to let him out of the deal.

Apparently, it's not a sin to be less than thrilled with the trajectory of your life. It's not wrong to be melancholy, grieved, or in anguish. It's okay to be tired and unable.

The goal of the garden moment was not to improve everybody's feelings, but to pray.

Meanwhile, my goal for today is not to alter my mood, re-frame my situation, or take control of my future. I can maybe try those things tomorrow. Today, my exercise is to sit in the imperfection-- the frustration, the hurt, the absolute injustice of it all-- and to accept it.

Some days are good and some days are bad.
Sometimes I'm happy and sometimes I'm sad.
Some things I get to choose and some things I don't.
Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, Lord, be done.

*Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness is the third studio album by American alternative rock band The Smashing Pumpkins, released on October 23, 1995 in the United Kingdom and a day later in the United States on Virgin Records.

Monday, January 1, 2018

Believe You Belong: Catapulting from 2017 to 2018

2017 was the year I determined to find my confidence. To not just have areas in which I felt confident, but to develop a deep, inner sense of confidence.

I did it! Or, more accurately, God did it. Because the things I had to do, the battles I had to fight in order to gain that confidence, are not pursuits I would have embarked upon without Him nudging me along.

But embark I did. Sometimes you just know that the direction you're headed in is exactly where you need to be going-- even if you don't know the route-- so you keep lacing up your boots and walking it out.

I signed up for some pretty big challenges this year. I faced long-held fears in spades. I found my voice. I spoke truth to power. I showed up (even when I didn't want to). I drove the bus. I stood with others. I stood alone.

I braved the wilderness (as Brene Brown puts it in her latest book).

And I'm not gonna lie: it was pretty epic. And also really hard. (It was pretty much like giving birth.)

But as I survey the landscape of 2018 before me, I realize something both true and sobering: no amount of singing the Exodus song at the top of my lungs, declaring my freedom, and straining toward what is ahead will catapult me into the Promised Land.

The reality is: the land that we are promised is not a mere stone's throw away from the land of our enslavement. They are separated by wilderness, and the wilderness is not a warp tunnel. The wilderness is vast.

You don't travail the expanse of the wilderness in one victorious year. You don't clinch your freedom with one melodious song. The road between slavery and total freedom is the span of, well, Earth. The wilderness journey requires you to suit up and show up day after day, year after year, victory after victory, loss after loss.

Braving the wilderness takes a lifetime.

It also takes a village.

Last year, I said I wanted to not only gain confidence for myself, but to bring others along with me. I believe that no progress we make or ground we gain is ever for us alone. We are made to be free and to help others be free.

We fight for freedom together.

This year, I fought the battles I was called to fight with all the valor and integrity I knew I had in me. And I got to do so alongside some pretty incredible people.

And you know what? I discovered something life-changing: I like me. Strong and weak, good & bad, right & wrong, I am a person of worth. I'm worth getting to know. I'm worth spending time with. I'm worth listening to. I'm worth fighting for. I'm worth a seat at the table.

My all-time favorite quote on confidence says this:
Show up in every single moment like you're meant to be there. -Marie Forleo
This statement perfectly bridges my goal for last year with my focus for this new year. You can stand with confidence when you believe you belong.

For 2018, I will be exploring issues related to belonging. Not "how to" belong. Rather, how I already belong-- even in my non-conformity-- and how I can extend a sense of belonging to others, especially those who are not like me.

At a time in history when polarization and exclusion are at an all-time high, I want to be a person who not only accepts her own unique place at the table with confidence and humility, but who pulls out a chair for others, regardless of where they stand.

We all belong to one great, big, human family. Created for community. Designed for destiny.

At God's great banqueting table, there's a place-setting for each of us: complete with a glass, our name etched along the side, filled to the brim with the water of Life, since before the world began.

Will you join me in raising your glass?

Here's to confidence. Here's to belonging. Here's to 2018.

Friday, December 15, 2017

Thoughts Like Smoke

It's like multiple channels all playing at once, these thoughts that go through my head. I'm thinking about what I need to do today, while worrying about what somebody thought of a comment I made yesterday, while noticing the beauty of the breeze blowing through the trees, while imagining a project I'd like to create, while remembering a podcast I listened to yesterday, while feeling the nostalgia of parenthood, while lamenting that my back always hurts, while interpreting a Scripture I recently read, while wondering if I should get a job.

As contemplation, deliberation, imagination all swirl together in a silent cacophony of thought, it occurs to me that this is like prayer. Like incense is infused with oils and powders which need to be lit to unleash their full potency, maybe my thoughts and concerns need only a little fire added to become embers that release their smoke to the Heavens.

After all, it's not the ingredients of incense that give it it's power, but the burning of those elements.

Then I remember Revelation 8:2-5:
I saw the seven angels who stand before God, and seven trumpets were given to them. And another angel came and stood at the altar with a golden censer, and he was given much incense to offer with the prayers of all the saints on the golden altar before the throne, and the smoke of the incense, with the prayers of the saints, rose before God from the hand of the angel. Then the angel took the censer and filled it with fire from the altar and threw it on the earth, and there were peals of thunder, rumblings, flashes of lightning, and an earthquake.

Here, the fire of Heaven and the prayers of the saints combine to create a smoke so powerful it not only rises before God, it gets hurled back to earth and penetrates the atmosphere.

And we wonder if there's power in prayer.

The next time I question whether my thoughts, feelings, needs, desires, and petitions are moving the heart of God, I will imagine myself lighting them on fire and watching the smoke rise to Heaven. There, angelic hosts wait, poised to capture my scattered offerings and turn them into something beautiful, meaningful, powerful enough to affect the senses and to shake the world.

May my prayer be set before you like incense; 
may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice. 
-Psalm 141:2, NIV

Friday, December 8, 2017

The Ultimate Exchange

Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you,
who walk in the light of your presence, Lord.
They rejoice in your name all day long;
they celebrate your righteousness.
For you are their glory and strength,
and by your favor you exalt our horn.
Indeed, our shield belongs to the Lord,
our king to the Holy One of Israel.
-Psalm 89:15-18, NIV

According to this passage, the ability to give God praise and glory is a learned thing. If I only express what feels natural, rather than continually training to be better and better at worshiping Him, I miss out on the full experience of blessing that is available to me.

How do I learn to give God acclaim? By walking in His presence, rejoicing in His name, celebrating His righteousness.

Why do I give God acclaim? Because He is my glory, strength, favor, & shield (protection).

Notice that when I give Him acclaim, He gives me blessing. Yet, I give Him acclaim because He has already given me blessing.

Relationship is reciprocal. And relationship with God is the ultimate exchange, because what He gives me is ALWAYS better than what I give Him.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Early Rain, Latter Rain

Children of Zion, rejoice and be glad in the Lord your God, because He gives you the early rain for your vindication. He sends showers for you, both early and latter rain as before. -Joel 2:23

Rain. It's one of those things we need for life and yet no day seems like a convenient day for it. Somehow we're never quite prepared for it when it comes, even when we've been lamenting a lack of it.

When it rains on someone's wedding day, we say it's good luck; yet nobody wants it to "rain on their parade." And why is it that in one region the sky could be so stingy that a spark will ignite a forest, while in another it drowns the ground in its floods?

Rain is one of those things we would welcome... if we could just choose when, where, how, and how much it happens. So too life's lessons.

Recently I had a conversation with God about a tough decision I had to make. In my Bible reading that morning I decided to read the Psalm that corresponded to the date. It was storming outside and the passage happened, interestingly, to talk about God being in the midst of a storm:
He parted the heavens and came down, a dark cloud beneath His feet. He rode on a cherub and flew, soaring on the wings of the wind. He made darkness His hiding place, dark storm clouds His canopy around Him. From the radiance of His presence, His clouds swept onward with hail and blazing coals. The Lord thundered from heaven; the Most High projected His voice. He shot His arrows and scattered them; He hurled lightning bolts and routed them. ...He reached down from heaven and took hold of me; He pulled me out of deep waters. ...He brought me out to a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me (Psalm 18:9-14, 16, 19, HCSB).
While the thunder and lightening crashed around me as I read that morning, I knew God was assuring me that He was surrounding me with His power, that He would not leave me in the dark, that He would rescue me from confusion and show me the right path to take.

By that evening, the rain had subdued and the sun was pushing through the clouds. The world around me was peaceful, but I still wasn't at peace about the decision I had to make. I had talked over, prayed about, and collected as much information as I could, and it was time to lay all that aside and take a step of faith.

As I sat in silence in the same spot where I'd read the Psalm that morning, I looked out the window, breathed a heavy sigh, and made a very tough choice.

As soon as my decision was official, a gentle rain began to fall in a patch right outside the window where I was sitting. This time, however, instead of lightning and thunder piercing the sky, the rain fell silently through the tree branches, shimmering like snow as the sun sparkled off each drop.

This was the rain of peace. This was a nod from heaven. I sat awestruck at the kindness of my Father God.

He sends showers for you, both early and latter rain....

Confirmation. Vindication.

I could have sat there in that spot all evening, were it not for my husband eagerly calling to me from the front porch. I went out to join him, and there, stretching from one end of our culdesac to the other, splashing the gray sky with color, was a rainbow.

He brought me out to a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me.

In the aftermath of that decision, I have needed to return to these verses and visuals to remind myself of how the Lord graciously spoke to my spirit. God truly reveals Himself through His Word, His creation, and prayer, if we'll just still ourselves enough to receive from Him.

Psalm 32, verses 8, 6, & 7 say:
I will instruct you and show you the way to go; with My eye on you, I will give counsel.
Therefore let everyone who is faithful pray to You at a time that You may be found. When great floodwaters come, they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; You protect me from trouble. You surround me with joyful shouts of deliverance.
Sometimes the proverbial storms of life feel like they are going to drown us where we stand. Other times we'd take a torrential downpour over the deafening silence we perceive from heaven.

But it bears reminding that the God who promises to reveal Himself to us, hides in the darkness, clothes Himself in clouds, rides on the wind, and speaks through thunder.

It's really not about the storm; it's about the One who's inside it.

I needed deliverance that day. I needed clear counsel from above. More than that, though, I needed reassurance that the God I was determined to faithfully follow, was faithfully leading me.
Doesn't matter what I feel
Doesn't matter what I see
My hope will always be
In Your promises to me
Now I'm casting out all fear
For Your love has set me free
My hope will always be
In Your promises to me

Your Promises lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Essential Music Publishing

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Free, Indeed

Somewhere along the winding way
As I was following You day to day
And calling out Your precious name
You broke off all my shame

Somehow in the meandering flow
While I set my focus on what I know
To be true of who You were, are, and will be
You cut a cord that set me free

You released me

And though I don't know why it took
So long for me to finally look
Like the girl You created me to be
I'm just glad...

You released me

And now when I'm not sure of myself
I will believe that I'm enough
'Cause for freedom's sake, You set me free
For Your own glory...

You released me

I am one whom the Son set free
And I am free, indeed!

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. -John 8:36, NIV
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. -Galatians 5:1

Friday, February 3, 2017

Be Confident in THIS...

​I've determined that 2017 is going to be the year I finally walk in confidence... not just in areas where I feel confident, but at the core of who I am. For too long, I have looked to the feedback of others to gauge my boldness-- assuming I was good at whatever I was praised for & not good at whatever I received negative or no feedback about. As a result, I have often avoided or stepped out very timidly in areas where I'm not totally sure of my abilities.

Problem is, our perceived lack of encouragement from others isn't necessarily an accurate reflection of our performance. It could be that those around us:

...are envious, critical, or struggle with expressing praise.
...assume we know we are doing well & that we don't need any encouragement.
...aren't even thinking about our performance.

That last one is interesting to me. I have been challenged that the idea that everyone ​is evaluating me is false & maybe a little narcissistic. Truth is, people can be so self-absorbed (& concerned about how they are being perceived), that how well I'm performing hasn't even crossed their minds.

And then there's this: the fact that people's opinions about me-- whether positive or negative-- are not my guide.

If I allow my self-confidence to rise & fall on the opinions of others, I will always be like the people Paul warns Christians not to be: "immature children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes" (Eph. 4:14, ESV).​

Instead, Paul tells us to grow up into mature adulthood, "to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ. Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love" (v. 13, 15-16).​

Did you catch that last part? "When each part is working properly, [it] makes the whole body grow up so that it builds itself up in love" (v. 16b).

According to Scripture, my need for encouragement is not only legitimate, it requires group effort. That means that the popular advice to disregard what others think about me is a fractured idea. The fact is that, although others are not my guide, my brothers & sisters in Christ do play an important role in my purpose & sense of who I am.

The passage indicates that building up occurs when each part of the body of Christ is united, equipped, & working properly. In such an environment, the truth is spoken in love​.

What that means to me:

  • Truth is spoken; love is not silent.​
  • My security is not found in my ability to muster up a strong self-esteem, but in the love of Christ.
  • Christ is the head of the body & the body is made up of believers, therefore my health & maturity in Christ require attachment to the body.
  • As part of the body, it is my duty to do the things I am equipped to do so that the body will work properly. 

I feel very empowered by this list!  It tells me that I don't have to go it alone. It tells me that I'm needed. It tells me that I have value. And it tells me that I have power to affect the environment around me with my words.

The Enemy of our souls would love nothing more than for us to respond to weak or non-existent support in our lives with self-centeredness, competitiveness, defensiveness, insecurity, or the unwillingness to praise others. What a sick & dysfunctional environment that creates! What a dampening of joy, creativity, & excellence those attitudes cause.

By contrast, Scripture tells us the body of Christ is to build itself up. We fight back at that evil spirit that would have us withhold affection & encouragement when we boldly offer those things to others, just as Christ has done for us. We don't have to falsely flatter people. And we don't have to be falsely humble either. We are to speak truth in love... & speak love in truth.

When we walk in confidence, it empowers others to the do the same. When we give to others the very things we need ourselves, everyone is stronger for it. "For God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love, and sound judgment" (2 Tim. 1:7, HCSB).​

My goal for 2017 is to walk in confidence-- by the spirit of power, love, & good sense-- & to bring others along with me!

Read Romans 12.

[Be] confident in this: that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. -Philippians 1:6, NIV

Monday, November 14, 2016


"The Honey Flow" by Fatima

They say actions speak louder than words
So you ignore the words
And miss the point
You think sweetness is desperation
So you take it for granted
As it drips through your fingers like honey
You think hope is for the birds
So you nod but never change
You believe lies
You believe in yourself
And spin a web for your own feet
You speak of love
As if you know what it is
While you withhold what should be given
And give up what could have been held

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

To Those Who Wait

Patience is a tough subject. Nobody likes to wait. We want instant results. Immediate action. Yet we know that good things usually take time to develop. Sometimes we wait with patience and sometimes we find ourselves pushing or becoming frustrated.

Scripture lists patience as a fruit of the Spirit. When we exhibit patience, we are living out of the Holy Spirit's power at work in our hearts, trusting God to do His work in His timing. When we become impatient, however, we've begun to trust our own time-frame instead of God's, allowing our flesh and its demands to rule over our spirits. 

Romans 8:5-6 says, "Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace." True peace can never occur when we push our own will over God's.

Isaiah 40:27-31 says, “Why do you say... 'My way is hidden from the Lord, and my right is disregarded by my God'? Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths will faint and be weary, and young men will fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord will renew their strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles; they will run and not be weary; they will walk and not faint.”

God tells us that no situation or need is hidden from Him. The everlasting creator of the universe sees all, and He gives power and strength as He sees fit. Notice it says, “...to [those] who wait.”

Are there areas in your life where you're struggling to wait for the Lord? Are you so anxious to see Him act in certain areas that you've begun to wonder if He remembers your concern? Are you in need of renewed strength and power to keep going?  

Get into God's Word, set your mind on the things of the Spirit, and hold on to hope.  Good things come to those who wait!

Friday, September 25, 2015

The Crash

Just as the vapors mingled high in the sky
To a screeching halt it all suddenly came
The crash 
                 heard on the other side
Sent out shivers and ripples of shame

The waves of confusion tripped the alarms
Which blared out over the spread
And armies began to take up arms
Clearing space for what was said

Linking together to navigate
Land mines old of age
Subtle direction for journeying forward
Beckoning from the page

Untangling of cords proved naught for the wisest
But for the persevering heart
Was oil and wine and tears of repentance
                      within the part

Intimacy in the quiet places
Secrets in the sacred spaces

Whispered words of unmade art
Breath spoken back into the heart

Passion burning in new locations
Frustration begetting new creations

Unexpected engagements

At the altar of covenant
Is new life