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Wednesday, June 17, 2009

GRIEF: It Is What It Is

On May 8, 2009, hours after I published a post about walking with people through difficult times, my family lost my 23-year-old cousin suddenly. What I wrote that day now seems ironic. ...Not that any time is an ideal time to say goodbye to someone you love.

Grief is an irony:

The pain is searing
Yet dull
My heart palpitates
While slowing to a near-screeching halt
I can't concentrate
But I could describe every detail of the living room rug
I sit motionless, expressionless
While a torrent of emotion tears my insides in two
I feel powerless
Yet I want to destroy something
At the core of my hopelessness
I hope that there's hope

I'm a contradiction in terms
I can think, but not do
But in order to do, I can't think
I have to turn it off to survive today
Yet tomorrow depends on me letting it out
I'm strong
Yet I'm weak
I want to offer
Yet I need
I desire to connect
But I just want to be left alone

"Just know" what to do for me
Without me having to tell you
Not that I could if I tried
I don't know what I need!

You ask me how I'm doing
But I don't really know
I hope I'm doing well
But what is well, in reality?
Tell me what it is & I promise I'll do it!
I want to do this the right way
Is there a right way to do this?
I'd do it if there were

But somehow I doubt that there is

Right's whatever I'm doing
And whatever I'm doing

Is just what it is
This IS what it IS
And that's all there is to it

© Stephanie Yax:  2009